Where does beauty come from?

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I find the concept of beauty to be so interesting. It's something I see as a huge wrestle for women; particularly young women; but I think it's safe to say that in the world we live in, beauty is something that most females are attempting to attain in some form or another. 

When I reflect back to my teenage years; all I wanted to be, deep down; was a girl who was beautiful. But I was caught up in the pressures of mainstream media and was obsessed about the way I looked. I would never admit it to my friends; but I was disastrously insecure. I equated my value with the way I presented myself; therefore makeup, exercise, and anything that could lift me to the standard I saw in magazines would govern all the choices I made. Being beautiful (the 'beautiful' that I was bombarded with on music video's, Dolly magazines etc) was my priority. Anything that threatened my sense of physical beauty (my idea of value) would set me off on an obsessive hunt to 'fix' myself; I needed to figure out a way to have better skin, better hair, skinnier legs, because then, when I attained those things, I would feel valuable. But I never got there, really.

 I didn't understand this at the time, but looking back, I was caught up in a lose lose situation, and was building my life on an incredibly unhealthy foundation. My sense of value was dictated by the competition presented to me in the media. As styles and trends changed, so did I. Tossed back and forth, and back and forth; I never had peace about just being myself. Ironically I think this lifestyle; this lack of a solid foundation for my value did more harm than good for me on a physical level anyway. Stress was a manifestation of my inner instability, and we all know what stress does to our physical bodies! 

I realize now that the beauty I was trying to attain was empty, lifeless, and void of joy, but at the time it was a powerful vortex. I mentor teenage girls, and also witness this phenomenon as I teach them in the classroom. I can so clearly see this same pattern of insecurity in them. It's not always blatant, but it's there. It's rare to find a teenage girl who has a clear sense of value. This annoys me so much. It makes me so angry that a young woman's sense of value is so unstable that it leads her to make choices, and to reflect behaviour that tears their community down around them. This is where all the competition comes from amongst women. Instead of being cheerleaders for one another, we become gossipers, humiliators and bullies; not always actively, but passively as well. And at the end of the day, this kind of unstable, insecure foundation oozes ugliness. I am so highly convinced that basing our value and beauty on our physicality; as dictated by the world we live in, is a one way road to becoming exactly the opposite of what we sought to attain in the first place. 

So where does beauty come from? I certainly agree with the cliche that 'beauty comes from the inside', but I think it's so much more than that. Something that I've noticed in the media, and particularly in the 'wellness blogosphere' is a shift from the idea of chasing superficial beauty as we conventionally see it. Rather than presenting messages that suck women onto the physical beauty train; newer messages are emerging about 'self love'. The idea of 'loving yourself' seems to be everywhere at the moment; promoting 'acts of self love' and 'affirmations' that aim to give women a sense of value outside of superficial physical beauty. But is this really helping? Is it just another trap? I can't help but think that a constant focus on self is just another black hole. To be honest, I've been down this path and think it's also a lonely, empty place. There is only so much 'self convincing' we can do in our own human strength. Do I really need to focus on myself, and acts of self love in order to convince myself I am valuable and beautiful? And if beauty is connected to 'self', how does that benefit others? What's the point?

What if beauty doesn't come from self at all, but manifests out of a selfless heart? I know for myself, I gain more purpose, joy, freedom and am more at peace with myself when I am outward focused rather than when I am constantly inward focused. And interestingly, I somehow look  and feel better as a natural result; with no effort at all!

It seems to me that the message that claims that 'loving yourself is required so then you can love others' is flawed. Because I personally find that when I'm focused on others first, I am never left questioning my value or how beautiful I am. It doesn't take up all of my focus anymore. This is a culture that I don't see in the generation of high school girls I'm teaching and mentoring. It wasn't present in my own high school community, and it's not common amongst women at all from what I've observed. And sadly, based on the messages society is presenting about feminine beauty, I am not sure that the future is looking bright for our younger generations of women. The culture I'm talking about is very rare, but when I see it in a person, I am overwhelmed. 

There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who is genuinely outward focused, who extends her hands to the needy, who selflessly and genuinely loves all the people she comes into contact with. I'm talking about women with strength, with dignity, and a purpose that extends far beyond 'loving themselves'.  I'm not saying that makeup, pampering and all that stuff isn't part of it; but rather than being something that is a precursor to beauty; or something that we need to do to convince ourselves we are beautiful; these things are just an expression of a much larger value that we have for ourselves; because we understand that the world needs us. All the physical stuff; fashion, makeup, whatever it is we do to look pretty, or take care of ourselves; these are then just things that we do because we enjoy them, and because they are good for us, not because we 'need them' to prove ourselves to ourselves, or to the world.

I hope that if my baby is a girl (we don't know yet, and I honestly would be stoked with boy, or girl), she will never get caught up in the superficial beauty trap, or even the 'self love' trap. I hope her eyes will be focused upward and outward; and that her vision for helping others will bring her such a sense of security, such an understanding of her value and purpose on this earth, that it will naturally overflow into physical beauty; and she wont feel the need to question it. I honestly believe that having this kind of foundation as a woman manifests physically. I think this is where beauty comes from.

Please share your thoughts. I'd love to hear what you think about this!